A Boring Week for Fashion--Top & Bottom Monday's

My Three Top Picks of the Week are:

Last week was a very interesting week for fashion—boring and dull. Nobody played with fashion fire; still some celebritarts got scorched for their fashion crimes. I’m interested in fashion that is different, unique, embellished with modernity, simple, classic and ultra chic. Last week fashion took a break, perhaps to simmer a little and make an explosive combustion in the next few weeks. I sure hope so. Last week the Cannes Film Festival promised to be a jaw-dropping fashion event but it was a bust. Everyone took the safe route and delivered boring fashion. I was disappointed to say the least.

This week I deliver tops and bottoms that are for the most part okay—nothing to celebrate or even write about it. I will try to use one or two words, maybe three to describe how I feel about my selections. I’m sorry, but I’m not inspired or at the least excited. I promise you the next few weeks things will be different, I hope.

Top pick of the week goes to:



Nicki Minaj at the Billboard Music Awards in a Mark Fast little number. God bless her.
Photo: Isaac Brekken/Getty Images



Nicki Minaj. Outrageous and ballsy.

Gwen Stefani in Armani Prive at the Cannes Film Festival. Looks good but predictable.
Photo: Vittorio Zunino Celotto/Getty Images

Gwen Stefani. Could do better.

Ryan Gosling posing for the media at Cannes. Pajama top chic.
Photo: Getty Images

Ryan Gosling. Thank you lord!

My Three Bottom Picks of the Week Are:

These three ladies need to reconsider their fashion choices, get a mirror, hire a better stylist or stay home. I’m overwhelmed with boredom and is their fault.

Taylor Swift at the Billboard Music Awards in Elie Saab. Dress too long, check.
Hair starting to get boring, check. The whole look is too old, check.
Photo: Ethan Miller/Getty Images

Taylor Swift. Really sad.

Ke$ha. I don't know what to say.
Photo: HollywoodNews.com

Ke$ha. Ridiculous. Next!

Sarah Jessica Parker in Elie Saab gown at the Cannes Film Festival.
Photo: Landmark/PR photos

Sarah Jessica Parker. Granny.

Tilda Rocks the House and SJP Blew It

My Three Top Picks of the Week are:

Diane Kruger attending the premier of Sleeping Beauty at the Cannes Film Festival.
Her metallic Calvin Klein gown was a perfect fit for a glamorous evening.
Photo: Venturelli/WireImage.com

My top pick of the week goes to German actress Diane Kruger who wore a metallic Calvin Klein gown to the premiere of Sleeping Beauty at the Cannes Film Festival. She looks hot—except for two things: her bust needs a little more support and she needs to pretend she’s enjoying the event. Smile a little, don't be a sour puss. Her hair is in trend (the messy braid to one side) and her dark red lips are the perfect combination to flatter her evening look. Good job Diane.

Tilda Swinton is no longer a fashion mess-wearing the colors of the season
she looks regal and chic in this Haider Ackermann halter creation.
Photo: Style.com

I knew this woman was a badass, quirky and permanently the top androgyny, but at the Cannes Film Festival she proved to be a major fashion force. Cate Blanchet move over, Tilda [Swinton] is in town! At the premiere of We Need to Talk About Kevin, Tilda is wearing a Haider Ackermann backless halter two piece ensemble that fits her perfectly and is much in trend with the bold/royal colors. Who knew she could look like a real woman and less than a fashion joke. Look at the hair, the makeup (she’s wearing makeup y’all) and the Olympia Le-Tan clutch; she’s a winner and I’m impressed.



Flanked by her boyfriend Michael Sheen and Woody Allen, Rachel McAdams is glamorous
and not earthy crunchy as she usually prefers to look. Her Marchesa gown is great.
Photo: yesmakeitnow.com

Drama and Fire. Rachel McAdams brought drama to the red carpet. Rachel wore a red lace Marchesa gown (and a sheer bodice and train) to the premiere of her Woody Allen movie Midnight in Paris. Her voluminous hair is all about old Hollywood glamour and the lack of jewelry is appropriate since the Marchesa gown is ultra embellished. What else can I say about this Mean Girls look? Nothing except, welcome to the A-List and to blow it!

My Three Bottom Picks of the Week Are:

Mother Goose is in the house. Too bad Sarah Jessica Parker didn't bother to
get her gown fitted and her hair coiffed for the evening. She's a hot 60's mess.
Photo: babyrazzi.com

This is the toughest list yet, but they deserve being called out. Sarah Jessica Parker at the New York City Ballet gala wearing a shimmering Valentino gown. She’s a mess: everything about this look is wrong. Her hair is very Mother Goose—granny, the bag across her chest is very wrong and bad. I can’t do and I won’t spend too much time on this hot mess. I’m sorry Mr. Valentino, but SJP looks more like a grandmother than a fashion icon. Next!

And she's back again. Her mane needs to be tamed.
Bad. Ugly. Out of control and 100% wrong.
Photo: babyrazzi.com

She’s back to offer us more. Barbarella called and she wants her hair back. SJP wearing a purple Halston Heritage cashmere tank gown to the Robin Hood Foundation gala. The dress is trendy but the hair is a crazy mess. What was she thinking? Is she a Real Housewife cast member now? Sarah darling, get some fashion help or fire your stylist before you end up in the fashion graveyard.

Doesn't Vanessa look drunk? If I were wearing that awful dress I would be too.
Photo: zimbio.com 

Vanessa Hudgens at the Calvin Klein Women of Cannes shindig wearing a sleeveless Calvin Klein Collection yellow number. Look at the asymmetrical hemline, wrong—too avant-garde for her petite stature. Her hair is a Sucker Punch mess and doesn’t she look inebriated? Her 15 minutes are up. Good luck.

Tales & Dreams

There are people in this world who look fabulous without really trying and then, there are those who try but still look terrible. And there are others who don’t really care what they look like despite the resources available to them. Personally, it is displeasing to see public personalities, celebritarts and the Hollywood type-of-people who are paid substantially great to look fantastic, but fail at looking so. A lot of them look homely, apathetic, disheveled and devastatingly depressed. Such is the case with my favorite comedian, talk show diva and from time to time a working “actress,” Chelsea Handler.

Two of many on camera looks of Chelsea Handler: the cha cha outfit to the left
is truly a hot mess--cheap looking. The Gidget ensemble to the right is very bad.
Look at the big picture, Ms. Handler needs help with her hair, shoes and accessories.
Photos: E! Networks

Chelsea is a bestselling author, a perpetual figure in American straight and gay pop culture (she’s a fag hag extraordinaire) and a tabloid(s) queen. This post is not about her sexual escapades, her over the top attitude or any other issues—she openly admits or denies them in her late-night talk show. I will focus in her lifeless fashion sense and her very pedestrian style. Chelsea is a hot mess and she knows it. Ms. Handler might be the funniest and tallest white girl out there, but her sense of style is horrible, utterly disastrous and borderline trail park housewife. Almost every night of the week I wish I could get my hands on Ms. Handler and offer my styling services; make her look clean, fresh and fabulous. There are times when I wonder if Chelsea even brushed her hair or washed her face before going out on stage, really? I wonder if she owns a good size mirror, one that reflects the hot mess that she is. Doesn’t E! have an in-house stylist who can resolve some of the fashion felonies Chelsea commits on a nightly basis? For Christ sake, Joan Rivers works for the same network. Get Joan to help Chelsea with her wardrobe and maybe give her a lecture on how to look great while someone else is paying for the clothes. If Joan is not around to aid, get the annoying skinny and bitchy Italian tangerine Giuliana Rancid, I mean Rancic to help Chelsea.

Here’s proof of what I’m talking about. Check out the outfit, the hair, and the shoes. Chelsea does sloppy New Jersey style very well.

 Video: Chelsea Lately ©

There are times when Chelsea looks decent, not an everyday occurrence. Consistency is not her best trait. Her clothing choices range from a stripped balloon top with super tight jeans or a short tight skirt paired with a silky spaghetti straps top and black biker boots. Who dares to do that? Chelsea’s look is mostly 80’s inspired or as I call it, “sloppy New Jersey style.” Her comedic talent is cutting-edge, she’s hilarious, but her fashion and style sense is passé and outmoded. Chelsea’s height is an advantage—clothes would look great on her if she knew which shapes, silhouette(s), structures and colors look good on her. Chelsea is not fashion lately, she’s clueless. There are probably a few designers who would like to dress her and whose clothes would look great on her. Some of my designer suggestions for Ms. Handler include Calvin Klein, the best American casual and refined designer. Chelsea would kill it in Narciso Rodriguez and she would look modern and chic in Proenza Schouler. If she wants to look young and edgy Alexander Wang would work for her and last but certainly not my last suggestion, Joseph Altuzarra’s magical hands would cure her sloppy New Jersey style.

These two modern and minimalist looks from Proenza Schouler Spring '11 would work
perfectly for Chelsea. Her toned and statuesque figure would look perfectly chic.
Photos: Style.com 

Chelsea’s wardrobe issues are not her only issues. Her hair often looks over-fried, over-saturated with chemicals and dull. Never freshly done or styled at all. Again, doesn’t anyone at E! tell this funny lady that the joke is one her—she looks like she belongs in an orphanage mopping floors and not in front of the camera telling jokes. Her face needs work; not cosmetic surgery (but I’m sure she’s had a few minimal procedures) but makeup. 95% of the time Chelsea looks washed out, pasty green, almost cadaveric. A little red or a peachy pink lipstick would look great on her and a rosy blush would do wonders to her strong cheek bones. Chelsea looks healthy and fresh when she has some color on her—not in her. So a bronzer, a self tanner with a little sheen would accentuate her athletic figure. Chelsea has a great body and she knows how to use it; unfortunately she doesn't know how to dress it.

Video: Chelsea Lately ©

Her unique comedic style is larger than herself. I believe that it’s about time Chelsea starts considering an image that conjures up confidence, a sense of casual seriousness yet never losing track of the woman that she really is. Funny, smart, self-deprecating and with a big Jewish attitude. If someone happens to read this post and knows Chelsea or can reach her, tell her “it would be a dream to style her.” 

Top & Bottom Monday's

My Three Top Picks of the Week are:

Brazilian masterpiece Gisele Bundchen looked radiant and very chic in her scarlet
archival Alexander McQueen gown at the Met Gala. Gisele worked it! Killed it!
Photo: PRPhotos

My top pick of the week goes to Brazilian natural wonder Gisele Bundchen who wore a vintage scarlet strapless gown by Alexander McQueen to the Met Gala last Monday night. The woman killed it! She looked radiant, in top form and I will go as far as to say, she’s having sex. She smiled sex; she exuded sex—great sex, actually. Accessories? Yes, Van Cleef & Arpels earrings. Her biggest accessory was clinging to her arm, her freaky husband Tom Brady. Have you noticed how this guy does not have any personality? She has bucket loads of personality but he’s boring like a box of hair.  

Look at the hem. Look at it, is unfinished and messy. She looks great
in this tangerine Vivienne Westwood dress. Jen is taking the right steps foward
to look more today than 5 years ago. Look at her, she's giving us boobs.
Photo: AP Photo/Peter Kramer

Jennifer Aniston stopped by a Sephora store in NYC to promote her self-titled fragrance. Miss Aniston who is usually a snooze in black or gray outfit looked bright, juicy and a little daring in her tangerine body flaunting Vivienne Westwood frock. Too bad the hem looks messy—reminiscent of a Project Runway challenge. That’s how 42 years old should dress. Take notes Real Housewives of Whatever, that’s how you do it. The keyhole detail in the bosom area makes her look modern, less boring and approachable. Look at those big oranges—they are happy to be out for once. Kudos to Jen for wearing the color du jour of and for trying a new look. Keep it up Jen.

A 21st century American artist, Jess is on her way to becoming a strong
figure in the art world and hopefully fashion too.
Photo: Carlo http://www.thefashiondaddy.com/ Zepeda

Although she is not celebrated throughout the “art world” [yet], Jess Pfhol is a 21^st century American artist concentrating in paint, paper and promotion. She is also a fashionable and stylish woman. At a recent event she wore a red and white spring coat that was chic and current. Last January when the temperatures were unpleasantly low and unfashionably chilly, Jess wore a vintage mink coat that was to die for—thank goodness the PETA folks weren’t around. The minks aren't the only one dying for fashion. Jess will die for fashion or at least for her mink coat.

My Three Bottom Picks of the Week Are:



The teal Zac Posen dress is beautiful, is the whole package that got me thinking
that she looks too country. An hommage to Tammy Wynette I guess.
Photos: talkingmakeup.com



You can take the girl out of country but you can’t get country out of the girl--Reese Whiterspoon is a hot southern bell in this teal Zac Posen body hugging strapless dress and black satin peep-toe platforms. She looks like she’s arriving to the CMA's and not the Water for Elephants premier in Sydney. The hair is a la Tammy Wynette and the strapless look is starting to get tired. Reese needs to start taking fashion risks and be more fearless. I give her credit for doing her hair differently; Reese needs to let her bangs grow or pin them up.



Beyonce's Emilio Pucci gown was too much for everyone. Look at her being
carried up the red staircase by her husband Jay-Z and one of her people.
Beyonce took it too far this time, I hope she had a good time.
Photos: INFdaily.com



Beyoncé got a little carried away (literally) in these Emilio Pucci mermaid black gown at the Met Gala. The dress is too tight, too garish and too much of everything. Honey, the dress was tighter than Joan River's face. The dress is so constricted she looks more like a sausage than a real starlet, performer, or whatever she is. Didn’t she try the dress on before heading out to the gala? She couldn’t walk up the stairs because the dress was extremely taut at the knees and everywhere else. Beyoncé had to be carried up the red staircase by her Tom Ford clad husband Jay-Z and one of her little people. The Pucci black gown with gold embroidery was too much for this Queen B—she looked more like a mardi gras float than a couture queen. The lack of movement and circulation put Queen B in a bad mood that she decided to not give good face to the press. So she got booed.



She missed her figure skating event so she decided to attend the Tassimo Brewpot Cafe
in NYC. Eva's look would do great at an ice-skating championship.
Photo: Ilivethegoodlife.com



Apparently Eva Longoria read her invitation wrong. The poor dear thought she was going to the ice capades, not the grand opening of Tassimo Brewpot Cafe. I thought someone was going to club her in the knee for wearing such an ugly creation. What is that? Well, it’s a black (and pink) Camilla and Marc cap sleeve mini paired with black satin ice-skates, oops peep toe pumps. Miss Eva wore this little number to the grand opening of the Tassimo Brewpot Café in NYC. This little lady needs to start dressing appropriately for her age and hang up her minis. I’m sorry Eva but I don’t give free passes.

Tales & Dreams

A lot of people, mostly friends or should I say my gay friends, have asked me to share stories of my time as a fashion model. In the past I have had a rule about that, “I rather not say anything because I don’t like to talk about people and some things are not meant to be shared.” That was then and this is now. If the story is meaty and it makes sense to retell it, I will. What do I have to lose? Nothing.

My agency Why Not in Milan had sent me to do a photo “test” with a young Italian photographer, Marco Marezza. I had arrived in Milan only 2 weeks before when this occurred, so I was still young and naïve about fashion, modeling and the new city. I had done a few shoots in the US but nothing in Europe yet. I arrived at the studio of this young, fun, charismatic, charming and talented photographer with my book in hand and nothing else. I had no expectations about the whole thing, except perform great and walk away with beautiful photos. Marco greeted me with two kisses, one on each cheek and introduced me to the crew. Before I go on, I must also mention that I was extremely nervous and anxious about the shoot—my agent had sold Marco as the new Herb Ritts and that was big deal.

When I arrived at the photo studio I was nervous and anxious. The clothes I go to wear
were beautiful, tailored, decadent and Marpesa made sure I looked great.
Oh, it was a freaking great time.
Photo: Marco Marezza

From the very beginning I was interested and fascinated by the makeup artist who I will call Marpesa. She was a tall drink of water or should I say vodka. She was sassy, snooty and she was absolutely beautiful from head to toes. This bitch was glamorous; she had a personal style that could rival Chloe Sevigny or better yet, Carrie Bradshaw. Her attitude was fresh and pleasing. I could see she had makeup on, but it was natural; her leopard print high heels were presumably Ferragamo because before Louboutin there was Ferragamo and in Italy you only wear the local best. Her hair was coiffed to the max and her outfit was simply chic. Marpesa had on a short LBD that was perfectly fitted to her slim and tall figure. I assumed her dress was off the rack until I complimented her and with a strong Sicilian accent she told me, “this dress was a present from Dolce and Gabbana,” and with that I moved on.

Note to the reader(s): before moving to Italy to pursue a modeling career I had never experienced the world of fashion full head on. In Los Angeles where I had lived before fashion does not exist and if there is any it is trashy and vulgar. Besides the obvious culture shock, I was also experiencing new things. It was exciting. Fun and it felt liberating.

I was a little shy about wearing this leather Dolce and Gabbana vest and jewelry.
My finger tips had blisters for a few days from the cigarette burning; I puffed a lot that day.
Photo: Marco Marezza

The photo shoot began. It was clothing heaven. There were clothes by Dolce and Gabbana, Valentino, Enrico Coveri and Trussardi, it was glorious. Twenty minutes into the shoot we took a break. Marco reloaded film and danced around to Culture Club; the wardrobe stylist a short flamboyant-queenie Italian showed me the next outfit and Marpesa in the back made drinks for everyone. Before the next outfit could be photographed everyone had to gulp the sweet concoction that had been carefully mixed by Marpesa. My innocence and naiveté took the best of me sometimes, which made it difficult to fully enjoy everything around me; still I drank the potion that Marpesa had given me. In her thick accent and mild voice Marpesa said, “Carlo do you want to do a line?” I waited a few seconds to respond because I had no idea what the hell she was talking about. “What are you talking about? Do a line of what?” I responded. “That,” she said pointing to the table where she had been crafting the drinks and where the most delicious Italian pastries were waiting for us to devour.

Sitting on the edge of the table were eight thin lines of cocaine. Until then I had never seen cocaine. I didn’t know it was so white and fine. Marpesa handed me a new dollar that had been tightly rolled and which was used to snore the snow. “It will make you feel fabulous and you’ll feel free,” Marpesa said as I looked down to the row of lines that were staring back at me. “No thank you,” I refused. Right there and then I knew that I had entered a new world and maybe I was going to be the outcast for rejecting a line of cocaine.



I was shocked with amazement to find out that the sweater I was wearing was $1,400.
"Is that the real price?" I asked Marpesa. "Yes honey, is couture."
I don't know what happened to the Dolce and Gabbana sweater I kept after the shoot.
Photo: Marco Marezza



The photo shoot went on for a few hours. I was a little exhausted but delighted to be there too; Marco was extremely creative, patient and superbly professional the entire time. Despite my Charlie refusal early on, Marpesa was very sweet to me, funny—even today I think about her and her large-scale sense of humor. She sat around changing her face and never did I imagined that this beautiful glamazon was not a natural she, but instead a natural he. Marpesa was a drag-queen. She was a drag-queen that wore Fendi, Armani and Prada to walk around the streets of Milan. She was beautiful and designers had come to love her. “My real name is not Marpesa and I’m not a donna.”  “I was born a boy in Siracusa, Sicilia,” she proudly admitted when at the end of the photo shoot we all decided to go to dinner and have a great time. I've never a drag-queen like Marpesa again. Since that infamous day, I can’t judge a drag-queen without first thinking about Marpesa and her divine taste for fashion, humor and her undeniable style. Marpesa, Marco and I worked again a few more times after the first photo shoot. Great times and great memories.

Top & Bottom Monday's

My Three Top Picks of the Week are:

This week is all about the royal wedding and the hot messes at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner in Washington D.C. last Saturday.

Pippa looked smocking hot in her Sarah Burton at Alexander McQueen dress.
Pippa stole the show. She looked simply ravishing.
Photo: OKMagazine.com

My top pick of the week goes to Pippa—Philippa Middleton, she was hot, smocking, stole the show and will probably get her own royal wedding too. Pippa looked superb, elegant, modern, sexy and simply beautiful in her dress by Sarah Burton at Alexander McQueen. Her heavy, ivory satin-based crepe, with a cowl front and lace trims dress stole the show! The hair, the jewels (which were minimal), the tan, the va va va boom figure, her mannerisms and the patience to deal with those rotten kids make her my most ideal pick of the week.

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge exiting Westminster Abbey;
her beautiful Sarah Burton at Alexander McQueen gown was classy and graceful.
Photo: Flickr.com/photos/britishmonarchy

Miss Catherine Middleton or the new Duchess of Cambridge look radiant, elegant, graceful, for-the-ages in her wedding dress by Sarah Burton at Alexander McQueen. I must say, I was expecting a little more design—it looks like Catherine played it safe to me, nonetheless, she looked refined and classy. Kudos to Sarah Burton for creating elegant and modern pieces for the Middleton girls and for continuing the McQueen tradition of “its craftsmanship and its respect for traditional workmanship and the technical construction of clothing.” The dress which is made of ivory and white satin gazar with its magnificent hand-cut English lace and French Chantilly lace used throughout the bodice and skirt. I am impressed, but I still think Catherine played it safe.



Mila Kunis in her Versace dress at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
Photo: Michael Loccisano/Getty Images



This weekend I had the fantastic opportunity of working as a greeter at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner and as such, I got to see a lot of celebrities, a lot of politicians and their somewhat poorly maintained wives. I was highly impressed by the physical diminutive size of Mila Kunis, but most of all I was very surprised to see that this young woman has a great sense of style. She must have a great stylist too. Mila knows how to wear clothes and not the other way around. She looked great in her black strapless Versace number. It was appropriate for the occasion and the body hugging fit was stunning. The dress had false pockets with large gold bottoms in the front and the back and a major slit down the front of her skirt. Mila worked it! She brought it! In my humble opinion she was the best dressed of the evening. Wow, she is tiny in every aspect—itsy bitsy, tiny.

Jon Hamm was a total ham. Sweet, generous and very handsome.
Photo: rbknews.info

I must give a shout-out to Jon Hamm; he was well-dressed, attractive and very stylish. A true movie star and a really nice guy. He looked great in his black tie ensemble, his coiffed hair was perfect and the million dollar smile was simply divine.

My Three Bottom Picks of the Week Are:

Scarlett Johansson was not her usual best--the Elie Saab dress looked cheap and
didn't flatter her womanly figure.
Photo: rbknews.info

Scarlett Johansson at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner looked terrible. Not the usual Scarlett. What’s going on Scarlett? I was shocked to see a woman in an unflattering Elie Saab dress—it was the wrong fabric, the wrong color, and the silhouette made her butt look big and I mean big. And what’s up with the hair? It's an ugly shade of red and it looked dry, overcooked and flat. The whole package was unfashionable and messy. By the end of the night when she was exiting the event her dress had a few pulls and it looked like it had been put through a tough time. I’m sorry but I miss the Scarlett that took chances with fashion; the edgy fashion lover and didn’t give a pickle what I and others thought of her. Do we need to have an intervention?

I'm sorry to say it, but Amy Poehler looked lumpy and unkempt. Her dress was not chic
and it didn't fit her motherly figure. The hair was prom ready.
Photo: rbknews.info

I love Amy Poehler—she’s funny, but Saturday night at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner she was a total mess. I can say this because I was 10 inches away from her, I actually touched her hand when she handed me her event tickets. The hair was pinned up to the lower left side and I could actually see the hair pins, no she didn’t. Her white dress was not flattering to her motherly figure. I know she’s a new mom, but if you’re going to an event where you know you are going to be photographed you need to care and pay attention to details a little more carefully. The dress was a one shoulder white thing that had a black bow on top of it and the print was just so hideous. I can’t even describe it; it was this sort of brush strokes of black and gray paint. Not chic, not good, maybe next year.

The Michael Kors gown would have looked better on someone
with a smaller chest; it looked baggy on Melania.
Photo: rbknews.info

Melania Trump needs to look in the mirror before heading out the door and take off three things. She looked like a spring Christmas tree. Her heavy makeup (a lot of it), her big hair and the Michael Kors Grecian goddess dress was a tad bit too long and the leather straps across her boobs made them look huge. She wasn't impressive. I thought she was a former model? I guess former is the “key word.” I was only inches away from her and she was an ice cold princess…the tundra princess. The lady Trump needs an etiquette lesson or two from my friend Jay.